What If?

Later, I have to ask my father some questions. We need to make contingency plans. These won’t be comfortable questions. Last week’s appointment ended with papers being marked ‘urgent’. Not so urgent he needed instant admission to hospital, but the widened eyes of the medical staff involved widened my own.
I had hoped it wouldn’t be connected to Myeloma, but it looks like there’s a high chance it is.

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The Next Appointment

Tomorrow, I will go with my father to hospital.

It could be nothing serious. A minor thyroid problem, perhaps. But it doesn’t look like nothing.
He’s not in pain. He’s not feeling ill, or over-tired or any other noticable effects. The doctors who looked at it had him X-rayed and appointments were made, but there was no urgent rush to get him to a hospital. This should be a relief. But, to look at it… Just at the base of his neck and the top of his chest, a lump emerged almost overnight that measures eight inches one way, ten inches another, and sticks out enough to be clearly visible under clothing like a balled fist under his flesh. The doctors didn’t seem too worried, but I’ve been deluding myself that I’m not terrified.

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Father’s Day

A face lined with grooves, the equivalent of the rings in a tree trunk, when he doesn’t move he looks as old an a gnarled oak. In motion, he is far more. He is alive. And however I feel when I look at him now, I must always remember that, because it could have been different.

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Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

I feel it is only right to send you this letter, we’ve not met face to face, and this will be the last time I have any interaction with you.  I think you will understand that I am very comfortable with this fact, as – to say the least – we have not got along.

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The Last Day

This year is nearly over.
I cannot wait to see the back of it.

The Mountain Goats – This Year
http://vimeo.com/7907281

I’m hungry for a better life.

Sick As In Sick

So my dad is pretty awesome.
As in unwell.
Sorry, still being childish from the last blog post.
After making such good progress, this last month has seen far more bad days for him than good.
A few weeks back he was walking without stick or zimmer, I’d get up and he’d have brought the milk in from outside, done the dishes, he’d be alert and upbeat.
But for the last fortnight he’s been sluggish, dazed, unable to walk steadily without his stick and frighteningly similar to how he was in hospital.
We called the doctor out and it looks like he’s picked up an infection. The chemo is leaving his already fragile immune system a mess, despite how low a dosage he’s on. She’s put him on a course of antibiotics, so here’s hoping they get him back on track.

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Spamalot And A Lot Of Cancer

So while 2010 continues to act like a total douchebag, some good things have certainly come my way.
Shortly after finding out that I was diabetic, I got to enjoy a friends Stag/hen do, and his wedding.
Just after dad went into hospital I got to go to Glastonbury and more recently the Cornish Hoedown.

The latest diamond found in the shizenschmutzen was getting to see Spamalot!

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Smoking

So this is pretty much one of my biggest hates.

Something with so many negatives and so few positives, from the fact it harms not just the smoker but others around the smoker, right down to the base fact it smells foul, I find it baffling that people do it.

The good old “I can stop whenever I want” line is hilarious, as is the fact every single smoker I’ve met that has said “it relaxes me” have been the some of the most stressed-out, snappy people I’ve ever met.

The rush outside for a cigarette break is nothing short of pathetic. It HAS to be done. They can stop when they want but as soon as there’s a break, they have to light up no matter how cold, windy or wet the weather is. By choice, obviously.

Mentioning it to addicted friends is a taboo; replies are either snappy or full of the thin excuses you’ll hear any addict come up with, be it something as foul as heroin or as tame as a drug that causes cancer, heart disease, emphysema – oh wait…
But I’m like that, too. For all my harsh words, I have a friend who smokes, and I’m so worried for her health – but I don’t press her on it because of how angry and upset she will get.

This won’t change because cigarettes are legal. And they’ll stay legal. No matter how much evidence, how much proof is collected that it kills the smoker, that it kills passively, that it can cause impotence (seriously, how can men smoke), etc etc, it will stay legal because all these facts and figures serve is to justify the government raising tax duty on it which will no doubt earn them a pretty penny. But no matter how expensive it becomes, people will still pay because they’re addicted! Despite the pictures pointing out THIS IS HOW YOUR LUNGS WILL LOOK and huge lettering stating SMOKING KILLS, that the packaging is legally forced to declare! “Pack of 100 please” what the fuck, human race?

Freedom of choice, you rage! This wouldn’t be such a load of shit if it was just the smoker it harmed, but it doesn’t. Crack, heroin, LSD, all illegal. Snorting a line of cocaine doesn’t harm anyone passively. If the guy next to you is shooting up you aren’t increasing your chance of dying because of what he’s doing (though you really should find somewhere else to be). But a drug that can give someone who’s never touched the stuff lung cancer… That’s just fine?

I can understand the social aspect, I can understand why kids get drawn into it. But of all the things to do because other people do it, it just baffles me that it’s so accepted and so tolerated. And that the restrictions imposed over the last few years have caused such predictable reactions, that their rights were being attacked because they do something that HARMS OTHER PEOPLE. Ugh.

This blog rant is largely redundant, because there will be very few people that think “perhaps he has a point”. No one will change their mind. They will either generally agree, because Smoking kills. Or they will scoff that I’m just another ranting anti-smoker on a hate campaign to restrict your freedoms. Right on both counts. I hate it. It’s disgusting, and though you have every right to endanger your own life, you have no right to endanger others, you selfish bastards. And have a wash. You fucking stink.