All Too Brief

The first time I kissed you, I barely realised how awkward I had become. For all the things I wanted to discover about you, I filled the air with my constant talking. Pausing for breath was a cumbersome necessity. The sun shone and the park was alive with spring colours, but there was only one thing I wanted to look at, even though it was awkward to do so sat on the bench right next to you. People often write about a kiss sending a spark of electricity through you, but the kiss itself was no greater an exhilaration than the buzz that ran through me the whole day. It was a very good day.

That kiss left me relieved. The second time we had seen each other outside of the workplace, the nervousness, the awkwardness wasn’t the normal behaviour of someone taking his first steps towards what could be a special connection to someone, but the mark of a man who was not fully sure it was really happening at all. Relief flooded through me when our lips met, hopeful questions of what could lay on the path ahead of me almost deafening, but at that moment they weren’t daunting, because there would be someone walking beside me. Fear of rejection makes us so fucking nervous; speeding up the speed and density of our words, triggering gesticulations you have never had as mannerisms until you met this person you can’t take your eyes off. But this time there was no rejection. There was someone who wanted a connection. You wanted a connection with me.

But so few steps were taken down that path. My inexperience made it difficult for me to know my way (and we both know I was never very good at orientation or taking directions), and now I have lost my way altogether. I’m working on finding my way back. Without a map to guide me, my chances are slim, but so were my chances of making it to that park bench next to you in the first place. So it’s worth looking for, however lost I become.

I miss you.

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